


The Happiest Place on Earth: Walmart

by hoshigayki



Category: Naruto
Genre: And a Not So Subtle Sesame Street One, Crack, Garbage Bags, I'm so sorry for writing this, It's becoming an AU!, M/M, Public Sex, So Dearly Sorry, Subtle Spongebob References, Walmart, Walmart Fetish, mostly crack though, rip Neji 2k19, the tag crack now has multiple meanings, with a dash of fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2019-07-12 21:50:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16004006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoshigayki/pseuds/hoshigayki
Summary: Obito has wanted to work at Walmart all his life, and he finally achieves that dream. However, he wasn't expecting to find the man of his dreams while working the night shift.This fic will explore the weird lives of all our favorite Naruto characters living near a Walmart superstore in the middle of nowhere. It's complete crack, but I hope it livens your day at least a little!





	1. Love at First Sniff

**Author's Note:**

> To be honest, this is 100% crack. I think I'm really funny, but it's probably just really weird. Read at your own discretion. Again, I'm sorry. Happy birthday Kakashi! I'm exposing you for the trash man you are.

        “...And that’s how you apply for welfare!” The all-too-cheery manager beamed at Obito, eerily reminding him of the manager from that one Spongebob episode. Was he supposed to be  _ celebrating _ the fact that his new job required him to also receive monthly government paychecks?! He thought not. 

 

        It was truly a shame that Walmart cashiers didn’t get paid more. Ever since he was a young boy, Obito’s dream had been to work at the magical superstore known as Walmart. He found the job to be a noble endeavor, with brave workers making harsh sacrifices from having to see people dressed in anything from full cosplay to the legal minimum of clothing. But, a strange part of him also found it charming to be exposed to so many different people. 

 

        Today was an important today. Today was the day that Obito could finally stop browsing People of Walmart for hours on end and could truly experience the wonders of the colorful characters in person. Today was the day that his dream came true. Today… Obito started his job at Walmart. 

 

        After quickly nodding thank you to the manager, the man rushed off to the changing rooms to change into what he found to be the sexiest outfit ever: the Walmart uniform. The khakis made his thick thighs look thicker than ever, and the blue shirt gave him a very refined look in his opinion. As quickly as he left, Obito dashed back and did a flying leap at his cash register, bouncing with excitement at the prospect of getting a customer already.

 

        Even though it was midnight, the beginning of his shift, Obito was more awake than ever. Working at Walmart was better than he could have ever expected. A new wave of euphoria passed over him every time a run-down person trudged up to his register, usually wearing slippers. Overall, his first shift was going swimmingly. 

 

        Until  _ he _ walked up.

 

        “God, you smell like my ex-girlfriend’s vagina!” Obito exclaimed at the man in front of him, holding several lewd magazines and a 'Family Fun Sized' bottle of lube. The man in front of him, frankly, looked like a mess. He was literally wearing a black trash bag as some kind of romper, and nothing else. But, his sight was nothing compared to the  _ stench.  _ The silver-haired man smelled like he had eaten a meal of garlic-buttered fish before letting Oscar the Grouch fuck his ass. He plugged his nose to try and ignore the stench as the mess in front of him opened his mouth. 

 

        “I’m literally wearing a garbage bag at 3 a.m. in Walmart. Why the fuck are you talking to me?” The man responded, giving his magazines and lotion a loving gaze before setting them down in front of Obito. 

 

        Obito squinted at the man before gasping loudly. He had seen this guy before! On those dark stormy nights when Obito had nothing better to do, he browsed through People of Walmart under his covers, blushing and giggling at the people featured, his erection pressing against the sheets. But there was one man on there, one man that Obito kept scrolling back to see. It was… Kakashi Hatake! The star of People of Walmart. 

 

        “Oh my fucking God, you’re Kakashi Hatake! I love your work! It’s an honor to finally meet you in person! C-Can I have your autograph?” Obito gushed, whipping out a pad of paper and a pen to get the legend in front of him to sign it. He quickly began checking his items out, hiding his blush like a schoolgirl with a crush on her trash-bag senpai. 

 

        “Again, I’m wearing an actual bag of trash. Don’t talk to me,” Kakashi responded, shooting the Walmart employee a disdainful look as he waited for his porn to be registered. 

 

        “That’ll be $9.69, Kakashi.”

 

        “Nice.” The trashy man reached a hand down his trash bag and pulled a ten dollar bill out, handing it to Obito. Something sticky was on it, and it smelled even worse than Kakashi. He hit the jackpot! He would need to save this sacred dollar from his celebrity, especially considering how intimate it must have been with the man. Quickly tucking his hard cock into the waistband of his khakis, Obito grew slightly annoyed at himself. Before his first day, he had given himself a pep talk to  _ not _ get hard at Walmart, no matter how sexy and arousing the customers were. Still, anyone would get hard over seeing someone in a trash bag. 

 

        As Kakashi waddled away, Obito’s face fell. He hadn’t gotten the man’s autograph! All because he was wearing a trash bag… Obito began to grin as a plan formed in his mind. If Obito was also wearing a trash bag, then that would give him the right to talk to a fellow fashionista! He made a mental note to bring a Glade bag to work tomorrow night. 

 

        The rest of Obito’s shift went as expected, but he wasn’t really paying attention. Fantasies of running into the alluring garbage man flooded his mind as he idly finished his shift. After driving home, he drifted off to sleep and dreamed of going on dates with his idol, eating at romantic candlelit dinners whilst scaring all of the other diners away with his magnificent stench. The next day couldn’t arrive any faster! Before skipping out the door, Obito remembered to grab a garbage bag before driving to work. 

 

        For three hours, Obito’s eyes darted back and forth from his register to the door, anticipating the return of a silver-haired siren. Finally, at 3 a.m. yet again, the man strolled in, still wearing a trash bag and nothing more. Obito noticed how elegantly the man seemed to glide, his toned thighs shown off by the outfit he was wearing. A sticky white liquid oozed down one of his thighs, causing Obito’s boner to return with a vengeance.  He ducked under the counter and quickly slid into his trash bag before Kakashi could walk up.

 

        “H-Hi Kakashi!” Obito stuttered as the man walked up to his register with more porn and another jumbo bottle of lotion. “Did you use up the mags and lotion from last night?”

 

        “Yeah… Hey, you’re not in uniform. Now why would someone like you wear something so… bold?” Kakashi noted, subconsciously running his hand along the material of the other bag. “Ah, Glade. I see you’re a man of culture as well,” Kakashi nodded, having gained oodles of respect for the cashier. His hand drifted a little lower, barely ghosting over the tent in Obito’s bag. 

 

        Obito’s breathing turned ragged when he felt a soft hand run against his chest and lower still. Against his will, his dick fully hardened under Kakashi’s bare-minimum touch. God, he’d been dreaming of this for  _ years.  _ Finally, he was going to be able to get fucked by a hot guy in Walmart. 

 

        “K-Kakashi, please,” Obito managed to choke out, nearly whimpering as Kakashi’s hand tightened slightly around his throbbing erection. 

 

        “Nuh uh. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Walmart is a proper setting for rough anal sex, do you?”

 

        “No! I couldn’t think of a better place to be rammed in the ass!” Obito moaned, eyes half-lidded as he mainly focused his attention on Kakashi’s hand, heartbroken as Kakashi shook his head at his plea, a wry grin almost visible through his mask. The Walmart fetishist sighed before remembering his initial purpose of wearing his garbage bag. 

 

        “C-Can I have y-your autograph now sir?” Obito stumbled over his words, once again bowing his head and holding out a pad of paper and pen. This time, however, Kakashi smiled and grabbed it, scrawling down his name and phone number. 

 

        “Call me, babe,” Kakashi winked before once again leaving Obito a blushing stuttering mess at his station. 

 

~~

  
  


        The weeks following that magical night were equally as magical. Obito texted Kakashi as soon as he got home from his shift, and they began seeing each other. It turned out that Kakashi  _ wasn’t _ actually into garbage. He simply found that he didn’t get along with others, and wearing and smelling like a trash bag while carrying porn was a pretty good people deterrent. Still, that didn’t change the fact that Kakashi was fucking  _ weird _ . Maybe he’d replace his garbage fetish with a Walmart one instead.

 

        Obito also discovered the reason for his Walmart fetish. His parents while growing up were very negligent, and he filled the void that they left with fantasies about Walmart and the people within. He didn’t need to do that anymore now that he had met the trash king love of his life. 

 

        A month later, Kakashi proposed. Most people would say that two months of dating isn’t enough before marriage, but those who knew Kakashi and Obito knew that the trashy men were made for each other. Where else would proud Walmart Fetishist Obito Uchiha find someone who wouldn’t kinkshame him? And someone who would actually develop the same fetish?

 

        “Obito… Will you be the ‘bage’ to my ‘gar’? I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone that isn’t you,” Kakashi cooed, holding out a bright blue tanzanite ring the same color as the blue in the Walmart logo.

 

        “Kakashi… As you accepted my autograph request in Walmart two months ago, I too shall accept your marriage request. I love you so much, my trash man!” Obito squealed and pulled Kakashi into a tight hug, breathing in the calming aroma of his now-fiance (who had taken to showering regularly after Obito had screamed at him).

 

~~

 

        “No way in hell are you two wearing fucking  _ garbage bags _ to your fucking wedding!” Rin screeched at the pair in front of her. To their surprise, Obito and Kakashi had discovered that they had a mutual friend, Rin. She had gone to the same elementary school as Obito and the same high school as Kakashi. It was quite strange how the two hadn’t met before that magical night in Walmart. 

 

        “But Riiiiinnnnn, garbage bags are romantic!” Kakashi whined, receiving a harsh swat on the head in return. 

 

        “You have no idea how far from romantic a fucking  _ garbage bag _ is, Kakashi. And I doubt you do either, Obito!” Rin retorted, smacking Obito upside the head as well. 

 

        “Ow! I didn’t say anything! Fine, we’ll wear suits if it makes your bitchass happy,” Obito pouted, crossing his arms and frowning. Kakashi put a protective arm around his fiance while throwing Rin a disapproving look. 

 

        “You upset him! Only I do that, and with his consent!”

 

        “Yeah, whatever you two. You’d be lost without me. Anyways, I have to go babysit. Call me if you need any help planning!” Rin smiled and walked away, knowing that she hadn’t  _ really _ upset Kakashi and Obito. 

 

~~

 

        “Are you sure about this? We could get killed!” 

 

        “Obito, it’s fine. Remember, it’s  _ romantic _ .” 

 

        Swallowing nervously, Obito watched as Kakashi left to go stand at the altar, clad in a black garbage bag. At the last minute, they had decided to go with the trash bag idea instead, without telling Rin of course. However, she would find out one way or another. As he heard “I Beat My Meat” by Ugly God begin to play, Obito knew that it was time to walk out. 

 

        Wearing a beautiful white trash bag, Obito slowly made his way down the aisle, flinching when his gaze met the ireful one of Rin’s. His fears were dissipated when he saw Kakashi waiting for him, smiling in an equally gorgeous bag. He joined him at the altar, taking his hands in his own and smiling widely. 

 

        “My lovely trash bag, living his dream life at Walmart, you have filled my previously trashy life with a love that I simply cannot call trash because it involves you. I don’t need my porn to get off anymore because I have the real thing, and you are always  _ very happy  _ to deliver. A year ago, I told you not to talk to me because I was wearing a trash bag. But, it is  _ because  _ I was wearing a trash bag that I got to talk to you and meet you in the first place. Awhile ago, I asked if you would be the ‘bage’ to my ‘gar’. I don’t want that anymore.” He paused for dramatic effect. “Please, be the ‘happi’ to my ‘ness’ because you make me happy rather than making me feel like garbage,” Kakashi recited, looking longingly into Obito’s eyes the entire time. 

 

        Tears welled up in Obito’s eyes as he listened to the heartfelt speech that Kakashi gave him. He truly was living the dream, working at Walmart and marrying someone off the website People of Walmart. Never before had he expected that his life would be so great. The only imperfection in his utopian life was the fact that he hadn’t been fucked in Walmart yet, although Kakashi had promised that their honeymoon to Walmart would fix that. Multiple times. On all the beds in the furniture section.

 

        “You are the top to my bottom, the dick to my ass, the meat to my beat.” Obito laughed as he referenced their wedding song. “Why wouldn’t I also want to be the ‘happi’ to your ‘ness’? I do!” Obito exclaimed, pulling his now-husband into a tender kiss. When they finally separated, their trash bags momentarily stuck together, causing Kakashi to make a pun about how  _ they _ were the ones now stuck together. Well, they had been before, which hadn’t made for a very fun night. Everything seemed perfect, until a very angry Rin stormed up next to the altar.

 

        “What the hell did I tell you guys about wearing trash bags to your  _ wedding?! _ ” Rin screeched, giving both of them the most brutal knuckle-sandwiches they had ever experienced in their lives. In the end, they all laughed it off. It certainly was a love that no one would ever forget, and the attire only emphasized that. 

 

        Obito knew that, despite Kakashi’s kind words, they really were complete and utter trash. But for once in his life, that didn’t matter to Obito because they were happy trash, and happiness is truly what matters in life. 


	2. The Honeymoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Obito finally get to go on their honeymoon after getting married. Of course, the honeymoon is in the superstore that we all know and love, Walmart. Normal honeymoon activities occur, yet there are consequences for doing such in Walmart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to actually turn this into an AU so... Enjoy? Rating goes up in this chapter!

        Obito’s heart was racing faster than a wild stampede of horses as he and Kakashi made their way to the furniture section. It had been a week since the newlyweds became such, and Obito was looking forward to the honeymoon more than anything else in his entire life (except for getting a job at Walmart).

  
  
        “Which bed do you want to fuck on first, my dumpling?” Kakashi massaged Obito’s hand, batting his long eyelashes at him. Obito squeezed his hand tighter in response, eyes quickly glancing around the plethora of beds in front of the two.

 

        “I-I don’t care! They all look so  _ sexy _ !” Obito gushed. His face quickly paled when he heard heavy footsteps coming up from behind him. He prayed to the Walmart deity that whoever was behind him didn’t hear the illegal activity that he and Kakashi were talking about. 

 

        “Well hello, Obito. I know this is your day off, but since you’re here, I was wondering if you would be on the loudspeaker for the rest of this shift. You would get paid, of course.” When Obito had whirled around to see who had approached him, he came face to face with his forever-grinning manager, Kisame. 

  
  
        “Oh of course sir! You know how much I love Walmart!” Obito responded a little too quickly. Kisame raised an eyebrow. The giant of a man always found it rather strange that the Uchiha was so obsessed with Walmart. Especially when the eccentric personality would come bounding in at five before midnight, way too eager to start the graveyard shift than he should be. Well, to each their own. It wasn’t like Kisame didn’t fuck a shark that one time…

 

        As his manager strolled away after leaving the intercom next to him, Obito began to realize just how much of a predicament he was in. If he was supposed to make various announcements throughout Walmart for the next few hours, how could he finally fulfill his dream of getting fucked in the very same place? Obito’s tendency to be quite loud in bed certainly wouldn’t help them out in this situation even if it made Kakashi very, very happy.

 

        “Wellllllll,” Kakashi smirked, turning slowly towards Obito again. “Looks like you’re going to have to be quiet for once.”

 

        Obito glared at him before setting his eyes on the intercom. Kisame had gone to the trouble of dragging out the wireless one, so Obito couldn’t use the excuse of being unable to find a light socket. Using the intercom wasn’t too bad most of the time. Every couple of minutes, Obito would have to announce various sales going on in different parts of the store. All in all, not a hard job. 

 

        Unless someone was balls deep in his ass. And knowing Kakashi, the little shit would probably go the hardest right when Obito had to make an announcement. 

  
  
        After quickly glancing around the store for security cameras, Obito gave his beautiful khakis one last loving glance before peeling them off along with his blue boxers decorated with the Walmart logo. Kakashi raised an eyebrow and smirked before doing the same to his own jeans. He then made his way over to Obito, unbuttoning the single button on the polo before pulling it over his husband’s head. 

  
  
        “Not the shirt! What if someone walks by? It’ll be easier to hide just the bottom part,” Obito whined.

 

        “Where’s the fun in that?” Kakashi retorted before quickly yanking his own tee off. After stashing their clothes under a nearby nightstand, Kakashi full-on bear tackled Obito onto the nearest bed, queen-sized with a white and red floral pattern. Not a bad choice. 

  
  
        “Gah!” Obito yelped, caught completely off guard as he suddenly found himself between a mattress and a hard cock. He managed to squirm himself and Kakashi under the covers before remembering what he had to do: make announcements!

  
  
        “Hold on a sec, I’m gonna do  _ my job _ ,” Obito explained, feeling around the bed for the device after seeing Kakashi nod. When he found it, he held down the button to let him record his voice. “Please direct your attention towards the pro- AH!” The raven-haired man gasped as he felt an oiled finger roughly shove itself into his entrance. Quicker than ever before, he released the button and cast an ireful glare at his smug husband. 

 

        “What the hell?! Kakashi, this is my job! If Kisame finds out that we’re literally fucking around on the intercom, he’ll fire my ass!” Obito yelled before smacking Kakashi for making a comment about how he was going to do something else to his ass. 

 

        “Alright, sorry! Go make your announcement!” Kakashi put a hand up in defeat, the other hand still with a finger in Obito’s ass. The taller man rolled his eyes before pressing down the button once more.

 

        “Sorry about that, c-c-cat got my tongue. As I w _ ah _ s saying, be sure to check out the pr _ oh _ duce section. Eggplants are 50% o-off!” Obito finished, once again lifting his finger off the button. Untrue to his word, Kakashi had continued hastily stretching Obito out as he remade his announcement. 

  
  
        “I-I doubt they’ll suspect anything. I mean, ah, this is Walmart,” Obito remarked half to Kakashi and half to reassure himself. Considering their situation, both Kakashi and Obito agreed that moving fast during the prep would be best. After all, Obito was very experienced with taking Kakashi’s dick up the ass by now, and neither of them wanted to get caught fucking in Walmart. Well, not  _ that _ much. By the time another five minutes flew past, Kakashi was already thrusting quickly with Obito a moaning mess beneath him. 

 

        “S-Shit, g-gotta make another  _ ah _ nouncement,” Obito said in a breathy gasp before blindly grasping for the intercom. 

  
  
        “Check-  _ fuck _ \- check out the electronics- aaahhhhh- section! X-boxes! D-Don’t gO TO THE FURNITURE SECTION!” Obito yelled before dropping the gadget to the ground, shattering it. To make things worse, Kakashi’s heavy breathing was very prominent throughout the entire time Obito was making his announcement.

 

        Thankfully, Walmart was an extremely arousing environment for both of them. Before the next five minutes had passed, both men were slumped down, panting under the now-sticky comforter. 

 

        “Shit. We should get out of here. Hopefully your manager will forget this happened,” Kakashi choked out, still in the process of regaining his breath. 

 

        “Yeah, I’ll just say I shit myself and had to go home,” Obito agreed before rolling off of the bed. He threw Kakashi’s clothes at the man before quickly jumping into his own. When both of them were ready, Obito grabbed Kakashi’s hand, and the quirky couple dashed out of the store. 

 

        The security cameras posted throughout the entire warehouse watched them do so.

 

~~

 

        “Hello Obito. This is your manager, Mr. Hoshigaki. Please meet me in my office before the beginning of your next shift. Thank you.” Obito groaned when he listened to the voicemail on his phone. After he and Kakashi had gotten home, Obito had set an alarm before dozing off for the rest of the day. Not having enough time to change (and honestly not caring), Obito unlocked his car and drove to work in his cum-stained uniform. Maybe it could pass as coke stains or something. 

 

        Kisame’s lack of a smile was the first thing that Obito noticed when he walked into his office. The Walmart fetishist nervously gulped before meekly taking a seat across from his manager, twiddling his thumbs and looking at the ground.

 

        “You do realize we have security cameras here, right?” Kisame deadpanned, waiting for Obito’s response to the rhetorical question.

 

        “Oh shi- yeah I knew that,” Obito stuttered out, eyes widening to the size of saucers. Shit shit shit shit shit. Kisame  _ definitely _ caught him and Kakashi earlier then. 

 

        “You know Obito, I let a lot of shit slide here. After all, it’s Walmart. But today was ‘Bring Your Child to Work Day’ for the security guards, and eight children had a front row view of the furniture section. I don’t need another file for sexual harassment- I mean, a file for sexual harassment on my hands. So, I’m going to have to let you go.” Kisame stated solemnly as he held out his hand for Obito’s badge. “You can keep the uniform,” He added quickly as he saw suspicious white stains all over it. 

 

        “I- Yes sir,” Obito nodded before quickly handing over his tag and sprinting out of the building. The tears building behind his eyes barely allowed him to get to his car before they flooded down his face. 

 

        “WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” Obito screamed for what seemed like hours. The people walking past his car on their way to Obito’s former haven and home just assumed that he was a depressed businessman who discovered that his wife was having an affair with the handsome doctor next door- they assumed he was sad. Goddamn it Brenda! What do you see in him!?

 

        Anyways, Obito’s tears had eventually calmed down and let him finally drive home. He was all ready to tell Kakashi the terrible news when the door to their house flew open, and Obito’s distressed face was met with an elated one.

 

        “Oh my fucking God Obito, you have to come see this!” Kakashi excitedly chirped before grabbing Obito’s wrist and dragging his mopey husband to the bedroom. “Okay so I was just getting ready to whack my willy with the help of Pornhub when I saw this on the “Hot Porn Videos in the United States!” Kakashi exclaimed before showing Obito the front page of the infamous site.

 

        White Gay Trash Fuck In Walmart was the top video. Obito apprehensively clicked on the video and let out a deep sigh when he realized that it was, in fact, him and Kakashi that were the “white gay trash” fucking in Walmart. A loud gasp escaped his swollen lips when he saw how many views their video had.

 

        “Holy shit Kakashi! We’re famous!” Obito cheered before furiously dabbing alongside Kakashi. Despite being uploaded less than a day ago, their now-porno had over one hundred million views. He scrolled through the comments, hope filling his heart as he read, again and again, “Wow! I’m definitely gonna go to Walmart more often! Maybe I’ll get in on the action too!”.

 

        “Kisame just fired me, but if sales for the company start going up because of this, he’ll have no choice but to rehire me!” Obito giddily exclaimed.

 

        “Well, you know what this means. Celebratory sex,” Kakashi smirked. Obito rolled his eyes; Kakashi’s libido truly was relentless. 

 

~~

 

        The next day, Obito limped into Walmart and hobbled over to Kisame’s office, phone in hand.

 

        “What if I told you I just made a shit ton of money for Walmart? Would you rehire me then?” Obito asked before gingerly taking a seat in the same place he had yesterday.

 

        Kisame sighed and folded his hands, leaning forward to study his former employee’s features. He seemed genuinely honest, and Kisame was intrigued. “I’m listening,” Kisame replied as he watch Obito rapidly type something into his phone and thrust it over to the large man.

 

        He didn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t porn. Especially porn of the man in front of him and his husband. His eyes widened when he saw how any views the porno had, even more so when the comments promised more business to Walmart. Awkwardly coughing, Kisame handed the phone back to Obito and looked him in the eye.

 

        “I suppose I’ll rehire you. Money is more important than the innocence of children, after all. God, I’m starting to sound like that one guy that comes in here all the time. Real ugly one that Hidan always harasses? Hey, I forgot to fire him too! Ah whatever, Obito. Your sex life really doesn’t matter to me. Just clean up afterwards?” Kisame concluded. Ruffling around his drawers, he pulled out a shiny nameplate with none other than Obito Uchiha’s name.

 

        “T-Thank you so much sir!” Obito gushed, tearing up yet again as he stuck the name tag back onto his uniform (that he was still wearing). 

 

        With a weight lifted off of his chest, Obito strolled through the Walmart aisles once more, feeling at home. He breathed in the scent of dirty diapers, sweat, and ammonia with a smile on his face. 

 

        “Hey Hidan. I got rehired,” Obito grinned at the albino currently drawing dicks in the bibles for sale.

 

        “Slutbag! I knew you’d be back here after such a good performance!”

 

        “You saw it?”   
  


        “Uh yeah, everyone saw it. Never thought I’d be getting off to two dudes doing it in the place I work. Still, sexy is sexy,” Hidan shrugged before continuing to do what he believed to be Jashin’s work. 

 

        Obito continued walking, still smiling. Walmart really was such a weird and wonderful place. Sure, some fucked up shit happened there a lot, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world. He wondered what adventure would be in store for him tomorrow.

  
  



	3. Crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obito encounters a life or death situation when Kisame sends him on a dangerous mission. Will he perish at the hands of a beast, or will he live to work another day at Walmart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry I died for 87 years. I lowkey lost all confidence in my writing, but it be like that sometimes. It's just too much fun writing crack though. Enjoy! And don't be afraid to leave comments, they're good for my soul.

“Get out of here, you fiend!” Kisame bellowed, broomstick in hand as he glared daggers at the curious creature in front of him.

 

“What are- oh shit!” Obito dropped the banana that he was eating when he saw Kisame in a ferocious battle of man vs. beast. “That’s the third time this week!” 

 

“I know! Open the goddamn door and I’ll shove it out of here!” Upon Kisame’s response, Obito dashed to the Walmart entrance and held the door open, hiding protectively behind it. This was a life or death situation!

 

“Aaaaand stay out!” Kisame triumphantly yelled, holding his broomstick as if it was a bloodied sword that had seen many a battle. Both of them watched unamusedly as the alligator scurried away across the parking lot and disappeared. The fact that the Walmart was in Florida didn’t excuse the other very real fact that a menace of an alligator continually broke into the supermarket, terrorizing the innocent shoppers on a more than weekly basis. 

 

After seeing Kisame’s dismissing hand, Obito strolled back over to the shelves, smiling when he saw his buddy Hidan was on shift as well.

 

“Did that fucking gator break in again?” Hidan asked, scowling when Obito nodded. “I wish that fucking pussy of a manager would let me bring my axe in. I’d teach it a lesson for sure.” He announced, punching the air a couple times for good measure.

 

Obito rolled his eyes as Hidan continued rambling on about potentially illegal activities involving an alligator, a weed whacker, and a box of tissues. Just as he moved to begin setting the new shipment of Cheese Doodles on the shelf, an aroma of strong cologne, sweat, and salt wafted into his nose. 

 

“Oh hi again, Kisame. Do you need something? I swear I haven’t fucked here since-” Obito was cut off by a harsh ‘shush’ from his manager.

 

“Well, I would hope so. Anyways, it’s about Zetsu. I think I know who it belongs to. But, it’s a very dangerous mission. I can’t entrust that psycho over there with it.” Kisame gestured to Hidan, who wasn’t paying attention in the least.

 

Obito pondered the idea. For about six months now, the scourge of an alligator had been haunting the usually-cheery aisles of Walmart. They didn’t have a problem with it until it devoured one of the former employees. Poor Neji, the scrawny teen had took the job to earn a couple extra bucks. Little did he know that he would become victim to Zetsu. 

 

“Alright, so who does it belong to? I’ll beat the fucker up!” Obito triumphantly shouted, eager to avenge Neji’s death. Kisame signaled for Obito to follow him, and they walked to the security office. When they got there, the manager plopped down onto the plush seat and clicked on a certain video. 

 

At first, it looked like Zetsu had entered the store of its own accord. But, as Obito continued watching, he saw that someone was leading the alligator into the store by baiting the entrance with beef jerky. Teriyaki style of course. Zetsu has class. Kisame paused the video as the camera centered on the man’s face.

 

“...It’s my uncle?” Obito half asked, half groaned. There was no doubt that Obito’s crazy uncle Madara would do something as insane as bringing an alligator into Walmart. The man hadn’t been himself for quite some years; ever since he got his hands on instructions for how to cook meth, Madara had been holed up in his trailer, in a constant state of tripping balls. 

 

“Yes. I need you to go there and somehow convince him to stop. This is getting ridiculous, and I don’t want anyone else to die in Walmart. Soon, more people will have died here than have given birth. We can’t have that,” Kisame mused.

 

“Understood!” Obito saluted, thanking his manager before dashing off.

 

~~

 

“...You want me to go with you to your crazy uncle’s house, who happens to own an alligator who has  _ killed _ people before, and tell him to stop an activity which he has been doing for  _ years _ ? Sounds great, I’m in,” Kakashi said, causing Obito to rise from his knees and pull his husband into a tight hug.

 

“Oh, thank you so much Kakashi! You won’t regret it!” Obito chirped before dashing to their van. It was a horrific cyan blue and lime green with bright orange flowers painted all over the side of the van. Though, the couple liked it. Walmart had a very big parking lot, and they never had any trouble finding their vehicle. 

 

“Damn it!” Obito exclaimed when the engine spluttered, then died down. 

 

“I got this, my trash panda,” Kakashi cooed as he exited the van and opened the hood. He went into the garage and grabbed the recoil rope, wrapping it around the engine. When he gave it a tight yank, a satisfied purr was heard from the happy engine. 

 

“God I love you, now let’s get going and stop this madness!” Obito cheered, barely giving time for Kakashi to reenter the car before speeding off 40 miles above the speed limit. 

 

~~

 

Obito should have known to confront Madara another day as soon as he realized that the trailer reeked of cat piss. He cautiously creeped into the trailer, the door creaking open loudly to his dismay. Kakashi was manning the steering wheel, ready for Obito to leap back into the car and speed away if anything went wrong. 

 

“What the hell are you doing here, boy? I reckon you ain’t here to see your uncle for no good reason,” Madara groaned from the couch, his right hand holding a pipe while his left dangled limply from the arm of the sofa he was sprawled over. 

 

“Umm… you need to stop letting Zetsu into Walmart. He killed one of the employees! Seriously, just let him go back into the Glades or whatever,” Obito deadpanned, crossing his arms at the tweaking old man. He flinched and took a few steps back towards the door when his uncle stood up, still holding his pipe.

 

“You come into my humble abode, accuse me of murder, and tell me to let go of my best friend?” Madara growled before bringing his fingers to his mouth and letting out a sharp whistle. “Zetsu, dinner time!”

 

“Oh shit!” Obito exclaimed when he saw a flash of green in the back of the trailer. He started sprinting out of the trailer, fearing for his life; contrary to popular believe, alligators can actually reach speeds of over 30 mph on land. And, as a proud Florida man, Obito was very aware of this fact. With a flying leap through the window of the van, he barely made it before Zetsu reached the van as well. 

 

After getting his breathing under control, Obito turned towards Kakashi, who was about to drive away. “Don’t- don’t go yet. I have a plan,” Obito said mischievously. No one is without a weakness, and Obito knew just how to exploit Madara’s. When his uncle hobbled outside after most likely taking another hit, he noticed that Obito was not dead. 

 

“Boy, you get off my goddamn property and don’t come back. Ain’t nothing gonna stop me from feeding Zetsu,” Madara snapped, glaring daggers at the two in the van. Obito grinned cockily; he knew  _ exactly _ how he was going to stop Madara from terrorizing Walmart employees and shoppers. 

 

“Uncle, have you ever heard of a little thing called crack?” Obito questioned, piquing Madara’s interest at the mention of drugs. He crossed his arms, waiting for his nephew to continue.

 

“It’s better than meth. And you know all those pesky bugs on your skin? Well, crack will stop those right away. Plus, you can buy it, so you don’t have to waste time cooking meth and instead can be tweaking out on crack all day,” Obito explained, smirking when Madara’s eyes narrowed.

 

After calling Zetsu over, who had since taken a nice chunk out of the van, Madara spoke. “And where exactly do I get this so-called  _ crack _ ?” Madara responded, eyebrows furrowed in frustration by the fact that there was a drug that he didn’t know how to obtain.

 

“I know the perfect place. But, I’m not going to tell you until you promise to not bring Zetsu to Walmart anymore,” Obito smiled, his plan working perfectly. After what seemed like an eternity, Madara sighed and reluctantly agreed to the deal; despite his passion about terrorizing people, his passion for drugs was even stronger. 

 

Once Obito had given Madara the information of his drug dealer, he and Kakashi zoomed away to Walmart. Maybe he would finally start making minimum wage after informing Kisame of the successful mission.

 

“Perfect. No more alligators in the store, and another crackhead in the world. A win-win situation. Good job Obito, see you on your next shift,” Kisame smiled, shutting Obito up and sending him on his way before he could ask for a raise since he had risked his life for the store and all that. Well, just another day’s work at Walmart.  
  



End file.
